Is it just me?
Probably.
All of my life I have tried to be a good guy. You know, the kind of guy women say they want. Sweet, nice, attentive, stable, faithful, hard worker, yadda, yadda, yadda...
That, to this day, has not worked out for me. Again, It's gotta be something about me and my personality. But it for sure is not from a lack of trying.
I have always been average looking, slightly overweight and not some icon of fashion. I'd say a 4 and if being generous a 5. Over the years I have learned to stay in my lane (meaning after a handful of times being laughed at or berated by a woman who basically could get any man she wants, I learned to skip them and only engage the ones that seem to actually respond - cute, but maybe overweight, not very pretty at all but maybe slimmer. You get the picture).
My girlfriends in high school were not overweight and were (in my opinion) more than cute. My first wife (Korean woman) was tiny and slim (I was in the Army at the time so I was in good shape). My second wife was cute and slim and then after the birth of our son she just totally let herself go... then she cheated on me.
There were women in between her and wife three. None were thin... most were not fat, but maybe "a few extra" and to be honest, I wasn't all that choosy. I wasn't looking for a companion, I was looking to get laid.
Wife three came along and she was overweight, cute, and our lifestyle aligned at the time (I wanted to settle down with a family). That lasted almost 20 years. Honestly, there was maybe 5 really good years in that, the rest were a whirlwind of emotional baggage, controlling, misaligned values/ideals, and the loss of my voice as a person in the relationship. Two kids from it, because of them I am not completely regretful about the time together.
Since then I have dated only two women, but fairly large (sorry, it's a fact) but super nice - at first. Both dropped the "friendzone" bomb on me after we started moving towards a little more commitment. I met two other women that I met purely for sex. Both in nice shape, fairly pretty, but both crazy as hell. Neither lasted very long.
I tried platonic cuddling, nice girls, but paying for something like that was getting expensive and only providing temporary respite.
So here I am again, single, and really tired of the game that is women. I truly think there is something about my personality that turns them off after a few months. Maybe I try too hard. Maybe I'm not enough of a bad boy. I don't fucking know.
The ROI for women is low for us older guys. I can spot the sugar babies, the obvious materialistic prima donnas, and the ones that are bouncing between man after man. The time, effort, struggles, stress, and heartache is not worth the return. I have friends that I can talk to, a therapist to vent and help cope with things, blogs to also vent, and, yeah, free porn when I need release.
The one thing I am missing is the tactile part. A woman's touch, the smell of her, her warmth, the skin to skin connection (not sex, just bodily closeness). I honestly looked for escorts locally that might provide that service, but between the insane costs and the chance of it not being legit, has left me not following through.
So, this really was for me to get this shit off my chest. I have no idea what happens moving forward or if my station is single and getting myself off, or (and this will sound harsh) finding a large, average girl and hoping I can get past that with at least a decent personality (the last girl I dated was large, pretty face, and the dumped me in the friendzone). Maybe I should pay for periods of companionship (there was an incredibly sexy escort that the idea of just seeing her body naked in person was enticing), but I would not be able to maintain that financially for very long.
I guess it is just me....